My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
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