i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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