Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
