I need to stop coming to work sober
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The Olympian is in my bed
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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