Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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