i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
