Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
