I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
