I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
