i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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