apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
