: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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