Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
