By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize