Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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