I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
