You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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