Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
