you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
