I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm both gender and math confused
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
