Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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