I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
