My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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