That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
