Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
