he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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