Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
