the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
