i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
