I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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