You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
