Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize