I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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