I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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