when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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