Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize