good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
