Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
