she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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