how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
