if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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