i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
