why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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