Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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