i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
