I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize