Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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