I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
