Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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