I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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