I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
