Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
