I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize