Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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