I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
