Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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