there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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