Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I would fuck him just for his dog
Randomize
