i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
