I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
