I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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