Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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