so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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