she woke up with a sticky ear
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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