Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
sex in a hospital.. check
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
