Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
